The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.