I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
huge valentines day plans this year!!
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????