Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.