I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
You Might Also Like
That lamp looks PISSED.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
scared to check what name she chose
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.