I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Sooo many times…..
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”