A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
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me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
How software testing works
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one