I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
From my Mom
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
even bears disappoint their mothers
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?