Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
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He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Bobby pin
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
just gave your address to some spiders
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.