Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.