You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.