*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail