A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
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[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged