Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
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me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.