My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17