This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
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My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.