Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?