The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.