Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
You Might Also Like
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too