me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”