I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
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kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.