My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
this post was so formative to me
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet