Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.