Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
You Might Also Like
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.