KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
That’s incredible! 👌
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Oh yeah that’s it
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.