Wedding planning is organized crime.
You Might Also Like
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas