My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.