Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
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ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Um … Hot Wings please
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.