*mops up wine with cat*
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.