Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
6: are snakes just neck?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.