My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.