Alexa; make it look like an accident
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Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My flabber has been gasted.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.