Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
You Might Also Like
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.