My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
You have been warned.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.