interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works