I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
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[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.