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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”