One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
You Might Also Like
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.