PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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Every damn time
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago