I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?