I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
You Might Also Like
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers