Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit