Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Who called it baking and not making love
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia