I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
*praying for world peace*
God:
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Breaking news:
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
That’s enough internet for the day
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist