Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch