I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
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*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
S M O L
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.