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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
RT if you could go either way.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee