Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I think my mom just blocked me
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.