Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
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Would you wear it?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Forever 21… pounds overweight
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine