Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
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Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If only.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too