Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You Might Also Like
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
We’re all getting idioter.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*